Every day I drink eleven large cups of coffee
that I buy from the gas station, and
every night I drink three forties
that I buy from the gas station.
Double that on the weekend.
Triple it on public holidays.
Quadruple it when I’m feeling bad,
which is most of the time:
this kind of lifestyle isn’t conducive
to feeling good. But it suits my needs.
It’s preferable to the other kinds of life
I’ve tried.
Things’ll be different when I die.
Drunk in heaven–how redundant!

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The poem’s final line–the best line, I think, and certainly the one that makes it “work”–is taken directly from Achewood, so I felt weird about trying to publish it. Maybe I shouldn’t: when I emailed Chris Onstad to ask if it was okay, he said that he liked the piece and gave me permission to use the line. (He also added, “lots of walking and water are an escape route from such familiar misery”). But it still doesn’t really feel right to me. That’s okay; sometimes poems are destined for blogs, or living rooms, or personal letters rather than for publication.

The poem was inspired by Fallen Leaves (2023, dir. Kaurismäki). I told my friend Evan that and he said, “It could have been inspired by any Kaurismäki movie.”

Finally, if you read this on mobile, be sure to read it in landscape; otherwise, the enjambment is fucked up. I don’t know how to do hanging indents on here. (I’m not very good with computer).

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April 2024. San Diego, CA.